Day 1

Okay im really gonna use this platform to keep track of what is happening after all these shit and the all the shit that I did and I even if I will try to find ways to avoid or escape, writing here can just remind me before I make things get worst.

Yes, i was indulging in whatever that makes me feel good for a moment and the next moment I cry myself to sleep. I was very comfortable with it until Reg confronted me to wake me up from it. I disappointed her and I really dont want to disappoint her again, she was the one that spoke truth that hurts but at the same time i was very grateful to her time and time, I m basically a rebellious kid hitting 30 soon. After speaking to Bev about how and what I feel about this whole thing, is like coming back to face the struggles and the shit I have all over again, this time with more shit.
As usual, I was very hesitant to share and eventually through an uncomfortable, awkward, heart to heart conversation she made me realise somethings that I might not know, is either I forgot about it or it just didn't come across my mind. I couldn't trust God fully because of what happened to my broken family, my mom especially. she became a christian after her broken relationship with my dad and all the years I don't see God in her, I don't see the change that I want to see, in fact her behaviour and character doesn't seem like she believe in Him. It makes me feel like why God didn't make her life better or even our life better? My family is still broken, my mom still hoards things, she still have ocd, she still spend money impulsively, she didn't become a mom that I will want. I went through stuffs that a normal family do not have to go through. It was so tiring that I will be jealous about people with parents that cooked, clean and spent quality time with them.
Yes I need to be humble and count my blessings, but the things that I am facing at home make me don't feel like thinking about the blessings that God has given but but to continue to dwell in the bitterness.
Because of my broken family, I do not have a father figure in my life, and I will tend to look for guys who are willing to love me for who I am, trying to feel that empty void in my heart. I do not care how God think of me how much i have hurt Him because I can't feel His love for me anymore. It is so tough to think that He loves me when i am alone in my room at night. Trying to escape from all the hurts and struggles is actually so much easier but temporal happiness is gained instead. Not only that I am hurting myself and also the people who loves me. I know I have hurt him so badly that I cannot forgive myself for doing that. Part of  selfish me wants to go back to him but I know it will just destroy him. I want the best for him and I want to see him smile and laugh again. I miss the times that we spent together and I am very grateful that he was always there for me when I was hurting and whatever he has done for me. Whatever bullshit that I said to him made him believe in me and eventually i broke his trust in me which i am very disappointed with myself too. I pray that God can heal him and forgive me for what I have done to him.

Forgive me for whatever shit I have done. I really do not know whatever that I am going to face and I am really afraid tbh. Teach me and remind me to trust in what You are going to do in me and through me and heal my heart from all the sorrows and burdens of this world. please speak to me and I really need you in my life even if there are times that I question and maybe hate you to an extent. Make me learn to trust You, in Jesus Name I pray AMEN.

What a weekend.

It has been awhile of not posting because I do not want to be reminded of anything that I wrote previously so ya. So many things happened during this 3 months. Recently my friend lost her fiance 2 weeks before the wedding because he had committed suicide 1 day before her birthday. WTF. This usually don't happened in reality but now it did and whats worse is that my friend is 3 months pregnant. My friend with her strong character looks like she is able to handle it but not really. Until now, she still couldn't figure out why he hung himself without leaving any last words or having any symptoms or warnings before that. mostly likely is depression. I really pray that God will be with her and give her peace, show me how I can help her get through this, speak to her with Godly wisdom and hope that I can bring her comfort too. If it's me, I will probably just want to kill myself man. This is took hard for me to handle. This thing made me realised how emotions and feelings can really cause a person to die by taking their own lives. I realised how lucky I am to have God in my life even though I disobeyed Him again and again. Making myself busy doesn't really help in my current progression, it just made me stopped thinking about it. Yesterday's altar call just reminded me of whatever that I am hiding and putting it aside. 

Sometimes the good memories are things that I really missed but there are times when bitterness just got into me and knowing that he escaped this weird lg, him leaving instead of me just makes me feel angry. I am trying my best to be vulnerable, be open to this lg and what I got is weird and insensitive questions, weird concerns. Many communication but no connection man, just makes me more angry and not wanting to talk to them. They are the really difficult people in my life.

thoughts of my love ones leaving me.

I am really suffocating in this place. I act as if I am fine infront of everyone and the next thing I want to do is just to go leave and cry, allowing my real emotions to be released. I am so tired. God, why am I going through this alone where no one understand how I am feeling and I really feel like dying. I am trying my best to live my life trying to be positive by surrendering all the negative and depressing thoughts to You. It is so hard to motivation to live the life I am living now. I feel so alone and there are times when I look out of the window having that few seconds of thought to just jump down and end this once and for all. It's really torturous

Woes of a broken family, what is CNY?

Why do I always get blamed for everything? Because I look like I am able to handle all these so I look suitable to get blamed? I really hate to be the one clearing my mom's mess and the one handle her shit. Do I have a choice? NO. God please heal my mom and guide me in the way I speak to her. She thinks like a child and I can't stand it. Why am I born in this family? At times like this, if you love us please help me in this situation.

Left me.

My discipler, my leader, the one that knows my struggles, my strongholds and still treat me as a sister even though I did not listen to her and still never gives up on me is leaving the lifegroup and not my discipler anymore. I felt so shitty, like why must this happen to her? Why not others leave instead? She said she had enough of the accusations that she had from the people in the group, she can't grow and she has no support and she had enough, it is time for her to go to another group where she can show her potential and be able to make use of the gifts and talents that God has given to her in other group. My first thought was like, what the fuck these people want? Are that happy that they has successfully make her leave the group? I cried whenever i thought of it, is like a sister leaving the family. It is a good thing that she is able to leave this group that is restricting her growth and I should be happy for her, but I still can't handle this now.

 God, why do you want to make this happen now? He is leaving me, my discipler is leaving me, seemed like I will be alone. Lifegroup will be so different from now and the thought of going to the lifegroup trying to act as if nothing is wrong is torturous. God, I really need you to give me the strength to pull through, I don't even feel like living, i feel all alone without them, and I miss him very much. It is so hard.

My first week

No matter how much I justify, making excuse for myself that I love him so much that I can't leave him, there is this small voice telling me that is either I continue how I want to live or follow the life that God has planned for me. What bothers me the most is that I am also destroying his life at the same time. 

It has been a week ever since i decided to stop this relationship. I seemed to have the conviction this time compared to the last previous times where I struggled back and forth in my emotions and allow it to drown me to the extent that I was suicidal. I know at some point of time there will be obstacles that will stop me from getting out of this because it has caused me to fail so badly the other times. So it really happened and as usual I couldn't stop tearing all of a sudden and I feel so overwhelmed by what I saw. I was not even feeling sad before it happened, sounds like a person withe split personality. Thank God that I received a text from her at that point of time and I texted her how i was feeling. She told me to take captive of my thoughts which was something that I will forget at that point of time. 

I have been crying every night before i fell asleep because that is when I am able to let out my emotions freely. I miss him so much, I miss his presence, his hugs, his jokes, his smile and laughter. I even hold on tightly to his shirt that i have to sleep, like a little girl holding to her small blanket. I told God and I know that God hears me as he give me peace and comfort, knowing that i am not alone in this. I thank God that He did not give up on us. It is really hard for me bring our communication and contact to the minimum, I need to remind myself every second that what I am doing is for our own good and telling God how much I needed Him because I cant do it alone with just my own will power. 

God, help me to focus on my spiritual growth instead of worrying if i am able to get out of this. Allow your Word to sink in my heart as i read and help me to remember and not allow my emotions to overwhelm me. I pray for a peace of mind when I am seeing or facing things related to him. I also pray that you will continue to guide his path and show him the vision that you have for him. Amen.

Am I avoiding or facing it?

These 2 weeks was a struggle for me to really choose to not allow my feelings and my emotions to control my everyday life. I chose to surrender to God every morning, praying that my heart is guarded from whatever I was gonna face throughout each day.  Today was my first time seeing him in church after a long 2 weeks, hoping to see him but at the same time being afraid that my heart could not take it. I do not know if he is avoiding me or not, I do not dare to even look at him in the eyes. However I miss him so much that I was quite happy to see him but at the same time afraid. However, he did not join for dinner and I was really affected. Negative thoughts like is he avoiding me, why does he need to leave, doesnt he miss me like I miss him, does he still cares for me, should we still be in the same lifegroup if we choose to avoid each other?

I was so affected that I even asked where did he go (fml, why did i even ask). Why did he have to disappear and leave me again, while I hoped that he would stay? Until now, it seems like my healing wound is getting infected again. My mind was flooding with so many thoughts of him all of a sudden. Does it even matter to me if I really know all the answers to my questions? Lunch with peiru just now got me realise something, am I avoiding my hurts and bitterness, hiding them under the carpet or am I facing it bravely? I really don't know. 

God, please show me through the Holy Spirit on how I can handle my hurts the right way, and to prompt me not to hide it but to face it with you. I pray for peace in my heart, help me to know that I am not alone and you are with me.